1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 211 – Holding Back The Years (The Phantom Time Hypothesis)
by Marty Schwartz on July 29, 2012
Is history a lie?
Actually, history is filled with lies, depending on how specific you want to be. The winners tell the story, and those who penned the particulars were often doing so at the behest of someone in charge who was looking for something to inspire, influence, or quash a group of people. In other words, don’t believe everything you read.
But the general stuff is accurate, right? How …
Read the rest
One comment
1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 200 – A Man Confesses To His Friend, Using Two Hundred 80s Pop Song Titles
by Marty Schwartz on July 22, 2012
In honor of Day 200, I invite you to dig around and find all 200 song titles in the following dialog.
Two old friends, Peter and Ian, are having a drink in Ian’s apartment.
IAN: “Peter, what’s wrong? You seem to be under pressure. Do you need one more night of magic with those West End girls, buddy?”
PETER: “I’m gonna tear your playhouse down with this news, …
Read the rest
Leave a comment
1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 191 – My Grade 5 Report on The Fraud Of Abonoteichus
by Marty Schwartz on July 15, 2012
Back in the fifth grade I had an unreserved respect for the finest charlatans and scammers in history. This leaked its way into my scholastic efforts in the form of a presentation I gave when we were assigned by Mr. Foster to research our favorite person in Greek history. After sitting through five reports on Aristotle, three on Plato, and one skin-crinklingly awkward examination of the life and moustache of …
Read the rest
Leave a comment
1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 190 – The Craft Corner Meltdown of 2012
by Marty Schwartz on July 9, 2012
The following exchange took place in the tiny ‘Crafts Corner’ section of the free paper known as the Whismarck Weekly Bugle. The regular feature had been penned by Doris Haverton, owner of Basket Bonanza, since October of 1983. Last spring, because a rival basket store opened up within the Whismarck town limits, paper editor Tony J. Pezsnecker felt it would be fair if he offered the new store owner a …
Read the rest
Leave a comment
1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 174 – [censored]
by Marty Schwartz on June 24, 2012
As a purveyor of bacon-related humor and often tasteless gags, I find it somewhat unethical to write about somebody else’s comedy. But while the heart of today’s topic is truly a piece of modern fundamental comedy gospel, there’s much more to examine than the seven words which make up its frame.
Piss. Shit. Fuck. Cunt. Cocksucker. Motherfucker. Tits.
It almost reads like poetry, doesn’t it?
In 1966, Lenny Bruce proclaimed …
Read the rest
2 comments
1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 169 – A Father’s Day Quiz-Food Corporate Mascots
by Marty Schwartz on June 17, 2012
As a Father’s Day treat, I’m going to change things up for today. Instead of my usual kilograph on the quirks and weirdnesses of pop culture and history, I’m offering up a quiz. The following questions all pertain to fictional characters who at one time shilled food products. Some of the answers may surprise you. Or make you hungry. Either way, happy Dad’s day.
The answers are found in …
Read the rest
Leave a comment
1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 159 – Playing With Your Pee
by Marty Schwartz on June 10, 2012
Tired of peeing like a common schnook? Do I have a treat for you.
If you’re like me, and I believe wholeheartedly that you totally are, you find urinating to be a dull, uninspiring task. “Why is it,” I have often asked myself, out loud and in a mezzo-soprano Scottish brogue so as to confuse and alarm whomever may be within earshot, “that we can control our garage doors …
Read the rest
Leave a comment
1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 153 – The Best-Tasting Article You’ll Read Today
by Marty Schwartz on June 3, 2012
Do you ever get the feeling that someone is watching you? That they’re studying your every move, your subtlest nuances, even your thoughts? If so, congratulations on being so astute! There are people watching you at all times, with the sole intent of manipulating your choices, your behaviors, your purchases. These people are advertisers.
I’m not going to fire off some condemnation of Don Draper and the world of advertising …
Read the rest
Leave a comment
1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 142 – Your Emergency Handy Modern Radio Guide
by Marty Schwartz on May 27, 2012
The power has gone out.
Your iPod is dead, your laptop is drained and you left your cell phone at work so you can’t even amuse yourself with that goddamn brick-breaker game. What’s left? You decide to light some candles and use that old portable FM radio to give you some background music while you catch up on your reading. Except that you haven’t listened to local radio in years, …
Read the rest
Leave a comment
1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 137 – Bill Whatcott – Spreader Of Hate, Possibly Has A Tiny Penis
by Marty Schwartz on May 21, 2012
You see this guy? I would never advocate violence toward another human being, but more than anyone else in Canada, this guy deserves to eat crap. I’m not using that as an expression either – I won’t encourage violence, but I will encourage any waiter / busboy / cook that sees this guy in their restaurant to find a way to sprinkle some fecal matter into his club sandwich.…
Read the rest
10 comments
1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 121 – The First American Murder
by Marty Schwartz on May 8, 2012
It is a source of great pride to many Americans that they can trace their ancestry back to the historic voyage by the Mayflower, the ship that brought a bunch of white settlers to the shores of America in hopes of establishing a bold new nation, and to scout out the best locations for future mini-malls and outlet stores.
The esteemed Billingtons may wish to curtail their boasts, however. Ol’ …
Read the rest
2 comments
1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 118 – Words Coined In The 00′s (That Don’t End In ‘izzle’)
by Marty Schwartz on May 1, 2012
There’s something about a new word. A word is special when it’s fresh, new, and somersaulting off the lips of people with the fever of new-found meaning. Years ago I coined the contraction “besn’t”, as a shorter form of telling my kids they’d best not do something (“You besn’t light the dog on fire – our insurance doesn’t cover that.”). While that word hasn’t yet taken off among the …
Read the rest
Leave a comment
