1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 377: My Story Pitches For The Upcoming Hungry Hungry Hippos Movie
by Marty Schwartz on February 18, 2013
Back in October, a news item plopped onto my desk like a sack of wet rubber thimbles. Perhaps you remember it. Hasbro, the toy company behind Nerf, Play-Doh and Catchphrase, announced that their film division, which runs out of a tiny yet surprisingly whimsical windowless office on the Universal Pictures lot, would be following up the immense lack of success from last year’s Battleship film with a new three-picture deal.…
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1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 374 – Your Bizarrely Specific Horoscope – January 8
by Marty Schwartz on January 20, 2013
Good morning, children of the star-spooged cosmos. How are you? It’s okay, it’s okay. Madame Chakra-Lubowitz knows how you are. It’s her job to know how you are. It’s also her job to tell you how you shall be. And you shall be well. Most of you, anyway. Some of you are screwed. But let’s not dwell on that. Let’s unlock the stars, plug into the planets and Facetime the …
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1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 369 – Greetings, Conqueror!
by Marty Schwartz on January 6, 2013
Congratulations! You just discovered a brand new island, enslaved its native peoples, and now you’re set to start your very own country! The first thing you need to do is pick out a system of government that will maximize your new nation’s wealth, support its security, and best serve its people, or at the very least, those people who are in charge.
You could opt for a democracy, a constitutional …
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1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 363 – What? The “Fuck”!
by Marty Schwartz on December 30, 2012
A sizzling labio-dental fricative, a punchy open-mid back unrounded vowel, followed by a triumphant voiceless velar plosive. It’s a single syllable with the cartilage-crunching mule-kick of power.
It is fuck.
On the one hand, it represents the beautiful act of love; on the other, it is the perfunctory summation of rage and frustration. Few words carry so many contradictory meanings, can inspire so much emotion, yet cannot be uttered …
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1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 355 – Stinking Up The Kessel Run – Worst TV Part 3
by Marty Schwartz on December 23, 2012
As a child reared amid the glow of the legend of the greatest film trilogy of all time, a number of given facts about the Star Wars universe were firmly entrenched in my mind. Looking back to that hazy period in between Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back, here are a few certainties as they existed in my childhood perception: Luke Skywalker is now a respected soldier in the …
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1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 351 – Space-Boinking In The 21st Century!
by Marty Schwartz on December 16, 2012
Yesterday I wrote about religion. As such, it’s only fair that I devote today’s article to science.
Ever since the first man fluttered above the atmosphere into the majestic shimmering garden of space, he wanted to know if he could have sex there. For ages, NASA wouldn’t say a word about whether or not this was ever even mentioned at a meeting of top scientists. But now …
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1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 343 – Tim Lopes, The White Knight Of The Hidden Camera
by Marty Schwartz on December 9, 2012
A few days ago, I joked about becoming a journalist. I suppose that, had I grown up with the right role model, that could have been my reality. Indiana Jones made archeology look cool. Jaws taught me that marine biology could be full of thrills and excitement. And TV’s Jessica Fletcher showed me that even being a senior citizen / mystery writer in the right small town could lead …
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1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 337 – One And Done
by Marty Schwartz on December 3, 2012
I’ll be honest, I didn’t think this would make a full article. What is a one-hit wonder? Quick answer: an artist or band who scored only one hit in either the Top-40 or the Top-100, depending on your criteria. Simple, right? So let’s look at a big list that will no doubt include Dexy’s Midnight Runners and Janis Joplin (“Me And Bobby McGee” was her sole Top-40 appearance) and …
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1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 326 – The Ballad Of Humanity Dick
by Marty Schwartz on November 26, 2012
A tale I’d never heard before
I am to you impartin’
The story of an unsung dude
Whose name was Richard Martin.
He spoke for beasts who couldn’t speak,
Gave animals a voice.
In eighteenth-cent’ry Ireland that
Was not an oft-heard noise.
For animal rights was not a trend,
A fad, a common thang.
But Dick was not a common dude;
He swung by his own swang.…
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1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 322 – The Angel Of Warsaw
by Marty Schwartz on November 18, 2012
This site’s reputation has been built on a reputation of hard-cutting satire, edgy intellectual comedy, and a complete lack of awareness about what this site’s reputation has been built upon. But sometimes we have to check our laughs at the door and have the cajones to stand up and start a slow-clap, fully aware that it will crescendo into tumultuous applause because the object of our smacky praise is someone …
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1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 316 – A Salute To The Ass-Whomping Good Guys
by Marty Schwartz on November 11, 2012
In honor of this day, one of the most unexploited and truly genuine days of note on our calendar, I would like to take a few words (let’s say, a thousand or so) to reflect on some of the most ass-kickish Canadians in our military’s history. No one’s making movies about these guys, and apart from history books that few people read, nobody is telling their stories.
And these are …
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1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 307 – Of Lucas And Disney
by Marty Schwartz on November 4, 2012
There are several ways one could react to this week’s news regarding the sale of the Star Wars franchise to Disney for $4.5 billion, stock options and free Splash Mountain ride photos for life for George Lucas and his family. Some devotees are hailing this as a miracle of child-dream proportions, anticipating the seventh movie (the Clone Wars cartoon doesn’t count), a possible re-issue of the original, untouched trilogy on …
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