WRPK in New Albertastan
A pair of lovable know-nothing zealots engage in hilarious hijinks as they battle creeping socialism and corporate welfare in the prairie heartland.
Episode 1: A Pair of Ducks
Scene: WRP HQ
Derek: (sitting at a computer station) I hate this.
Brian: (walking by) This what?
Derek: This Twitter thing, these people keep yelling at me.
Brian: (looks over Derek’s shoulder) Wow, that’s a lotta frowny faces.
Derek: Yeah, frowny face, frowny face, frowny face. And this guy keeps posting the same thing over and over, and look at all the retweets! “WRP bad for economy. They don’t get the paradox of thrift.”
Brian: (puzzled) The pair of docks… …thrift?
Derek: Yeah, apparently we don’t got it, and it’s a big deal, says Mr Smarty Pants on Twitter.
Brian: (grabbing his coat) Tighten yer belt Derek, were going to the Value Village.
Derek: You think they have one there?
Brian: Let’s hope they have two. I don’t wanna be driving around all day. (As they exit) Do you know how to get frowny faces? We gotta start using those.
Derek: I’ll get the tech guy on it, boss.
Episode 2: Jaws of Life/Jaws of Debt
Scene: Vehicle interior at night
Brian: (Driving. Thumps the wheel angrily) This is taking forever! Damn Notley and her highway improvements!
Derek: Easy boss, I just bought this baby.
Brian: Sorry Derek, wouldn’t want to hurt your Hummer. But you know why I hate highways? It’s big government telling ya this is the way ya gotta go. Ya wanna get from Bonnyville to Cold Lake? Big government says ya gotta take the 28.
Derek: We could’a taken the 41 through LaCorey…
Brian: (glares) Do you mind, Derek? I’m philosophizing. See, when we settled this land, covered wagons crossing the prairie could go anyway they wanted. Sure you could follow the trail, but an enterprising guy could just blaze his own trail if he wanted, maybe even find a better one.
Derek: Totally agreed, boss. Off-road capability is essential to entrepreneurial spirit. It’s like you always say, boss…
Brian and Derek: Never trust a guy who doesn’t own a Ski-doo.
Brian: Hey, this new baby of yours got off-road capability?
Derek: You betcha! And a power winch.
Brian: Tighten yer belt, Derek, we’re blazing our own trail all the way to Cold Lake!
Derek: (Out the window) So long, suckers. Enjoy your little Notley-jam!
Thump, thump, bang.
State-mandated airbags deploy.
A professional and efficient EMT team, funded by Alberta Healthcare arrives and extricates our heroes.
No WRP officials were harmed in the writing of this sketch.
Episode 3: Santa’s Government Claws
Scene: WRP HQ
Brian sits at a desk working through a stack of Christmas cards. Derek walks up.
Derek: Signing Christmas cards for the members, are you boss?
Brian: That’s right.
Derek: and you’re… …um.
Brian: Putting a big black X on Santa’s face before they get sent out. That’s right. Because why? Because Santa’s a socialist, that’s why. This whole picking who’s naughty and nice thing, that’s big government pick winners and losers. And picking winners and losers is…?
Derek: …is for free markets to decide.
Brian: That’s right too. Markets and only markets.
Derek: You know how you were telling me to worry about the optics…
Derek: And you know how you were saying we should boycott Notley’s secret Santa for the Leg?
Derek: Well the optic might not be so good if we don’t give anything. So how about we give out just a card with this in it? (Hands Brian a slip of paper)
Brian: (reading) “The WRP invites you to join in its boycott of socialist Santa. Christmas is for Christ, not creeping communism.” Hey that’s good, Derek, poetic, even.
Derek: Thanks, boss.
Brian: And you’re right about the optics. We don’t wanna seem heartless. Don’t get me wrong, Scrooge was right about a lot of things, but hey, bad optics. (Grabs his stack of Christmas cards) Tighten your belt, Derek, we got a party to crash.
Scene: Derek stands gloomily near people in festive spirits. Brian walks up.
Brian: That was weird. She winked at me.
Derek: Winked at you? That is weird, boss. Whose name did you draw?
Brian: (glances at a slip of paper) Oh, that is kinda funny. I got your name. Ha ha. (Hands Derek an envelope) “The WRP invites you to join in its boycott of socialist Santa. Christmas is for Christ, not creeping communism.” Ha ha. Who did you get?
Derek: Well, that is funny, boss, cuz I got your name. (Tries to hand Brian an envelope) “The WRP invites YOU to…
Brian: (scowling) I know what the card says, Derek. Shut up!