1000 Words, 1000 Days: Day 374 – Your Bizarrely Specific Horoscope – January 8

by Marty Schwartz on January 20, 2013Comments Off

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Good morning, children of the star-spooged cosmos. How are you? It’s okay, it’s okay. Madame Chakra-Lubowitz knows how you are. It’s her job to know how you are. It’s also her job to tell you how you shall be. And you shall be well. Most of you, anyway. Some of you are screwed. But let’s not dwell on that. Let’s unlock the stars, plug into the planets and Facetime the future through the mystic sneeze-guard of Zodiac truth.

Aries

Make sure you check the expiry date of that yogurt before you callously shove it into your face. Also, that person you loaned money to last week spent most of it on microwavable food at Costco, and knew before they’d freed the first alfredo noodle from its flash-frozen prison that they would never pay you back. Take care, for every third quarter in your pocket is going to tumble through a vending machine or parking meter like pit-stink through cotton. Better bring more than you’ll need; it’ll be one of those damn days.

You'll need this even if you want a hope at that sweet, sweet Mr. Pibb nectar today. You’ll need this even if you want a hope at that sweet, sweet Mr. Pibb nectar today.


Taurus

If you find yourself walking through a door in a public place anywhere between 4 and 9 feet behind someone else, they will stop and hold the door for you. This is a positive response to your aura, but be careful: don’t brush your hand against theirs because they’re either coming down with or just getting over the flu. If you’re under the age of 12 and you get to select a balloon at a restaurant, pick the green one. It will last longest.

Gemini

That stray hair you found on your desk at work, the one that kind of looks like a pube? It’s not your hair. Just saying, you might not want to touch it if that thought makes you a little squirmy. If you’re looking for lucky lottery numbers, well there’s no such thing. Do you really think if Madame Chakra-Lubowitz knew which numbers were going to win she’d tell you? On the plus side, when you come home tonight and turn on Friends, there’s a good chance it will be one of your favorite episodes. So there’s that.

Hopefully the "PIVOT!!!" episode. Hopefully the “PIVOT!!!” episode.


Cancer

Don’t get a tattoo today! If you want something written, you’re going to get a typo. If you want a picture or a pattern of some kind, the artist is going to mess up and people are going to ask why you have a flower with a penis-shaped leaf inscribed on your shoulder. On the plus side, if you take your photos into a one-hour photo booth today, they’ll be ready in 52 minutes. The down side to that, of course, is that nobody actually gets photos developed anymore, so this probably won’t apply to you.

Leo

Those birds that swooped near your car? Not a coincidence, my friend. They’re after you. Keep your eyes open. The good news? If you and a friend order the same dessert today at lunch, the waiter or waitress will serve you the larger piece. The position of Venus requires you to leave a generous tip though, otherwise that waiter or waitress will contract a yeast infection later this week. It’s all on you.

No pressure, waitresses. No pressure, waitresses.


Virgo

That commercial jingle you hate is going to be stuck in your head for at least 35% of the day. You may feel tempted to post something witty as your Facebook status, but try not to be too disappointed when the only person who comments on it is your aunt who writes “lol”. This is not the best day to gamble on sports unless you’re doing so from inside a windmill. The specific ascension of Mercury is very positive for Virgos and windmills today.

Libra

You’re going to want cheese with your lunch, but whichever cheese you end up eating is not going to be the one that satisfies your craving. Don’t buy a tuba today; the tuba you’ll get will be remarkably sub-par. Also, someone may tell you that something on your body is too close to its pair: your eyes, your eyebrows, maybe your nipples. This will bother you for the rest of your life.

It might also be your nostrils. It might also be your nostrils.


Scorpio

If your intent is to initiate a plan for world domination, the position of Saturn indicates that this might not be the day. The good news is that 77% of the minions you hire today will turn out to be solid, loyal workers. If you’re a parent, don’t tickle your child today. You’ll go too far and make them pee, and on some level they’ll never forgive you for it.

Sagittarius

.That horrific screeching noise you hear coming from your basement? Yeah, you’re going to want to check on that. Bring a large stick with you. Today the stars have designated you to be the produce king or queen. Call up your friends and family, bring them all to the grocery store with you. The melons you choose will be the finest. You could do this blindfolded. In fact, you might want to put a wager on it with some of your non-Sagittarius friends. Why not profit from the stars if you can?

Your domain for the day. Your domain for the day.


Capricorn

Stay away from Reddit today! You’ll get drawn into a vortex of kitten videos, Arrested Development captions and Spongebob gifs, leaving you with a pathetic productivity level. Mars is in your house right now, so you’re going to want to transplant that gardenia into a larger planter. If you wait until next month, the transplant will probably kill the plant. You’ll chalk it up to a fluke of nature, but it’ll be your fault. You’ll have to live with that.

Aquarius

My fellow Aquariusses have a lot of power today, partly thanks to the augmented funktitude of Mercury, partly because the stars just say so. If you slow down to let someone cut in front of you in traffic, you’ll be guaranteeing that person will have a good day (unless they are a Scorpio, but that’s still pretty good odds). If you don’t, they’ll get a paper cut on the web between their thumb and index finger. Use your power wisely.

Nothing worse than painful finger-guns. Nothing worse than painful finger-guns.


Pisces

Try as you might, someone is going to call Shotgun faster than you today. Don’t sweat it – your time will come. That thing you’re allergic to? For seventy-nine seconds today, you won’t be allergic! You can have as much as you want! Those seventy-nine seconds will vary from person to person though, so you’re really rolling the dice on that one. Oh, and try not to sneeze and fart at the same time; you might poop a little.

That is all for today, my sky-swizzled young’uns. If today is your birthday, remember: you are only one third as funky as you think, and your curious obsession with mid-80’s lite-soul music like Al Jarreau and Grover Washington Jr. is a little weird. That said, you are kind, witty and beloved. Remember to gargle at the stars tonight everyone!

 

— Marty Schwartz is currently in the midst of a ludicrous writing experiment here, where he can be seen writing a thousand words a day for a thousand days. He was shocked when none of his eleven personal assistants pointed out that he missed cross-posting to the Sapien last week. Therefore, he plans a double-post this week because he loves all Sapiens, especially the Paltry ones. He exudes nothing but love  on  Facebook