Dear Walter,

I don’t know why I am writing to you, you have become such a bastard in the last year, but, as anyone who has watched Heat (Hank, I so would’ve watched that with you  – in fact, like a cinematic yawn reflex, just writing about it makes me want to watch it) knows, we root for the robbers in a heist. That, and I’m with Jesse on not wanting young, dirtbiking arachnophiles getting gunned down.

So here’s my suggestion. Rather than following the political trends in your increasingly nutcase country and shifting blame onto the Chinese, go right to the source.  I live where Ms. Lydia Rodarte-Quail said the methylamine comes from, even if her pronunciation sent spikes through my brain (it was tin-earingly accurate unfortunately), and I get a lot of stuff online.  Just this morning I received my steel-cut oats after ordering them last night, which is something you might want to try – the oats, I mean, because I get the feeling that you are backed up and there’s nothing a big bowl of oats and raisins and a cup of coffee won’t rotor-root through. You should check www.taobao.com.

Don’t worry about the Chinese language thing. It’s a chemical name, so you can treat it like a brand name.  For example, when I was looking for those oats, I typed in Bob’s Red Mill and then hunted and clicked. Now, one of the weird quirks is that people advertise things they don’t have, like iPhones that aren’t out yet or espresso machines, which can be very frustrating, but seems to be a Chinese thing because even in stores they have items on display that they don’t have in stock and you have to wait for ten minutes until the clerk informs you of this, and no, they can’t sell you the one on the floor because then how would they inform customers of items they don’t have? So, just type in methylamine and go to it.  Google translate will be a big help.

Don’t worry about customs and stuff.  Companies lying to authorities here is like breathing. I doubt there is a Chinese company with only a single set of account books and most bookkeepers make poor, paralysed Ted seem a genius with how poorly they hide it.  Just ask the seller to label it something innocuous – not bear bile – and you’re in business.

I’d wish you luck but I’ve seen what’s coming and it doesn’t look good. Can’t say you won’t deserve what’s coming either if it’s your comeuppance.

Oh, yeah, Walt.  Since it’s Pacino crime movie time in Breaking Bad lands, I figure you’re thinking Godfather, given your hubris. I’m thinking Serpico might be one for you to watch. You can probably get a pirated version sent with your methylamine.

Sincerely,

Malcolm